Sometimes I can feel like fuck the world. And then I don’t mean the “I need a break” type of fuck the world. Honestly, It was more like fuck all of you. Like everybody, everything, everywhere. At some point you wake up and nothing makes you happy anymore. You wake up and don’t like anyone anymore. That goes so far that even the people who are the closest to you don’t make you happy anymore. I spoke with a colleague about this and I just said I don’t want to feel anything anymore.
Those feelings are caused by something. Normally its shit happing to us or around us. And shit can happen to anyone of us. Nobody is immune to shit happening. And yes, I know shit doesn’t just happen. It comes with making poor choices, wrong decisions. Sometimes it even happens because we are human.
Everybody will have moments that life gets weird, or that life gets really hard for a moment. Normally we keep our heads down and let the weird or hard moment pass together with our friends or family. And we can handle it when life gets hard or weird every now and then. But what happens if both happen at the same time? When I look at the last two years life got really hard and fucking weird all in one go.
In the last two years, it got really hard to keep your head down (or up) and wait till the period passes. Life seems to go from hard to harder and from weird to weirder instead of getting better. This went so far that there were several moments that I was ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to just give up on everything, or just walk away from anything. There was no more energy to face all the issues going on.
I noticed that for me it helped to focus on the fact that most things that are happening are self-inflicted. There is no external source that decides somewhere let’s make Pel feel this way. There is no secret society that just decides to make life really hard. Feelings and emotions that can make life really weird are really inside your head. There is only one person that can make you feel anything, and that is yourself. So when you are able to control what you feel or what you do inside your head you can control life a little bit. But being inside your head is also a dangerous place to be.
When you feel sad, bad or when life is fucked up people come up to you and say things like: You just need to do things that make you happy. Let me tell you, that doesn’t work. When nothing makes you happy it also means that the things that used to make you happy don’t work anymore. And I know people say those things to help, but just know that it isn’t really helpful at all.
Talking about it can really help. However, most of us only listen to people so we can respond. Most people don’t listen to other people because they want to listen. When you listen to somebody without the need to respond it can be really helpful. And don’t think you really need to know the person to be able to listen. It even can be easier to talk to somebody you don’t know at all. The most important thing that would really help is being real, making yourself vulnerable.
When you feel safe, you are real and vulnerable you can say whatever is going on in your mind, head or life. The only thing the other side of the conversation needs to do is accept that its really going on for you. Life can look beautiful from the outside but feel really fucked up in your head. There is no room for discussion about that, its just a fact. When you can really open up yourself and get accepted for what you say it is easy to hang up the phone, walk out of a room or even close a chat window and feel really great for that moment.